Who am I...?

     The interesting thing about looking at someone else, no one really 'sees' another. If you look at the superficial, you will most likely miss what is going on inside. Even in a family, people easily miss the true inside of one.

    Roughly 9 years ago, my hubby and I signed on for an adventure, as I like to call it. We went into ministry together. Honestly, ministry is never something I had a calling on. But helping children (even others) is what my heart loves. During that time, knowing we were exactly where God had us, we also had clear opposition to what we were doing. Without going into much detail, others brought lies to our life. They tried mightly to break us down, but most significantly me. I was tossed into a whirlwind of untruths. Those untruths brought others perception of me (those I barely knew) to the lowliest of lows. I left that place four years later, broken. During those years my self identity was stripped to the bone. I remember crying out to God to "show me how I am in you." I had no clue who I was. Lies had surrounded me so and attacked me so, that I was truly even unable to write an email without questioning if I was 'doing it right.'

    During those years and a few afterwards, I had two so wanted pregnancies that resulted in our beautiful youngest children. However, I was vehemently depressed. I remember crying out to God, "Why? Why am I pregnant in a time such as this? I am nothing as a woman. Nothing as a mother. I have no one to listen to me." and I cried. I cried a lot.

    You see my circumstances, the people who were against me for unknown reasons, brought me to a place that I questioned everything. I then took my type A personality even farther. Everything I had to get done, had to be done 1000% better than anyone else, at a rate twice as quickly as anyone else could do it. It took my brokeness to a new level. 

     When you have no idea who you are enymore due to the world, remember God is the one who made you. HE knows who you were made to be. For me it has taken years. I'd say a good 7-8 years to heal. I still have those words spoken to me, those actions of others pop into my head, more than I like. Sometimes, I do dwell on them. But now, I have Jesus who helps to erase them and move them out of the way. When you see someone else, don't assume. Don't assume anything. Get to know them. Because I'm sure you will be surprised by what you find. A person with a heart that longs for what God made them to be.